written by RJ Wattenhofer
JANUARY 6, 1835
After a three year mission to chart the coast of South America, the H.M.S. Beagle has made a sudden and unexpected detour to the Galapagos Islands, much to the dismay of renowned naturalist Charles Darwin.
Darwin, who has a reputation for being a bit of a dandy and a fancypants, is reported to have been more than a handful on the extended excursion, complaining nonstop about the rudimentary conditions of the ship plus the distasteful verbiage used by the crew and their absolutely repugnant ambiance.*
As insufferable as Darwin is, Robert FitzRoy (Captain of the H.M.S. Beagle) restrained himself from throwing the prat overboard in the interest of science. FitzRoy, an avid naturalist himself, continued to press the obstinate Darwin to help with research.
On more than one occasion the Captain would have to drag the besotted Darwin from his bunk and force him to collect fossil and animal remains at gunpoint. Darwin, drunk on rum, would stagger across the beach sands with his bucket, murmuring incessantly about the unfairness of life and how he was "going to get them all."
In between Darwin's rants and complaining, FitzRoy managed to extrude enough relevant information from the drunk to compile an impressive collection of notes. Meticulous in nature, the notes provided the basis for FitzRoy's preposterous theory that perhaps there was some type of "natural selection" occurring in the very fabric of nature.
Darwin scoffed at this, and stated, "Your ridiculous observations are a reflection of your infantile thought-process, which is predicated by the arrogance of the worldly, yet uneducated" (or something along these lines).
The difficulties with Darwin began early on: While in Tierra Del Fuego, Fitzroy received reports from the crew that a few valuable items from the ship were missing. The Captain performed his own investigation and soon discovered that the entire ship had been stripped bare, including the sails, masts and rigging.
The first thought was that local Fuegian thugs had helped themselves to everything not nailed down. It was later learned that Darwin had held a public auction on the deck of the ship and sold off everything in order to collect money to pay outstanding gambling debts.Upon arrival in the Galapagos, Darwin at first refused to disembark, insisting that the rocky surface irritated his corns and that the plants were all very stinky. FitzRoy pleaded with him, stating that this was a marvelous opportunity to research flora and fauna found nowhere else on Earth and would help tremendously in substantiating his developing theory, which he referred to as "Evolution."
A deal was negotiated, whereas Darwin was paid fifty pounds sterling and two bottles of port, and he then came ashore. Two hours later Darwin re-boarded the ship, telling FitzRoy that there "wasn't much of interest here. Might as well get going."
The Captain ignored his advice and spent several days conducting his own study of the unique plants and animals of Galapagos. Returning to the ship, the excited man slipped on the wet deck, hit his head and died three hours later.
On his deathbed, he handed Darwin the notebook and requested that the naturalist make sure all the accumulated information get into the right hands. Darwin assured the dying Captain that his years of research would not go to waste.
Currently, the H.M.S. Beagle is headed back to its home port, the mission apparently finished. We have received word that Darwin has been in contact with London publishing house Ackermann & Co, who are very excited to sign a deal with the scientist for exclusive rights to his notebook.
January 6, 1880
A male and female pair of Dodo Birds has been discovered nesting on the beach of the island of Mauritius. It had been thought that Raphus cucullatus (the Dodo) had been exterminated, the last one reportedly killed in 1681.
This gave rise to the notion that humans have the capability of completely eradicating a species from the face of the Earth if they so choose. With this realization, colonists hustled into the woods, shooting everything in sight in hopes of obtaining the bragging rights to having killed the last of something.
The traveling party that found the Dodos quickly dispatched them with rifle shots to the head. A local London taxidermist was given the birds for mounting and they were ostentatiously delivered to Queen Victoria as a special gift.
Insiders say that she was very pleased and had them moved to the "stuffed junk" room of the palace.
Far be it from me to say that I'm smarter than Charles Darwin...but I'm smarter than Charles Darwin. As a God fearing Southern gentleman, I take offense to the idea that I, or any of my kinfolk, have ancestors that swung from their tails in trees, practiced public auto-eroticism or threw their own feces at strangers.
It says right in the Good Book that the Earth is only six thousand years old. How in tarnashin does he reckon we went from an ape to a human in that time? I was debating this with an idiot at the local saloon, who said to me, "You say the Earth is six thousand years old. Wouldn't the Earth be six thousand years old at the time of Jesus? If that's the case, wouldn't it now be seven thousand eight hundred and eighty years old?"
At that point I smashed him in the face with a whiskey bottle in the name of Jesus for his blasphemy.
Man was created in the image of God hisself from the get-go, with all the rights and privileges that goes along with such an honor. Now, some folks around here call me a hypocrite, talking about the fact that I owned slaves who worked my plantation and that I have no respect for my fellow human beings. As the war is over, that's neither here nor there.
The point is is that Charles Darwin has no right to throw a burr in the saddle of society, upsetting folks with his nonsense. Things been going mighty fine up til this point, so why go turn over the applecart?
I'll tell you who evolved from apes...Charles Darwin, that's who. At least that's what I'd say if I believed in evolution. And that's my two cents from where I sit.
~ Nicholas Lafayette
Curators of the British Museum were startled to find a cardboard box containing a human pickled brain near the front door early this morning with a note attached that stated, "Thought you might enjoy this. Cheers."
Their first inclination was to toss the disgusting thing, thinking it was perhaps nothing more than the brain of your common Irishman. Upon closer inspection, they discovered that the brain was actually quite old, belonging to a thirty year old man from the early Iron Age and officially dated at about two thousand seven hundred years in age.
The brain came encased in the original skull, which displayed evidence on the vertebrae that the head's owner was first hung and then decapitated. As grisly and gross as this find is, it does represent the oldest, best preserved human brain to date.
We have a smelly British bog to thank for this incredible find: The brain managed to remain intact due to the anoxic environments it was submerged in all this time.
As far as who killed this man, a spokesman for Scotland Yard says the evidence is all circumstantial, but they will leave it open in their cold case files for a bit.
~ RJ Wattenhofer