written by RJ Wattenhofer
LATEST FROM H.M.S. BEAGLE: CHARLES DARWIN
DESCRIBES GALAPAGOS AS 'STINKY'
JANUARY 6, 1835
After a three year mission to chart the coast of South America,
the H.M.S. Beagle has made a sudden and unexpected detour to the
Galapagos Islands, much to the dismay of renowned naturalist
Charles Darwin.
Darwin, who has a reputation for being a bit of a dandy and a fancypants, is reported to have been more than
a handful on the extended excursion, complaining nonstop about the rudimentary conditions of the ship plus the
distasteful verbiage used by the crew and their absolutely repugnant ambiance.*
As insufferable as Darwin is, Robert FitzRoy (Captain of the H.M.S. Beagle)
restrained himself from throwing the prat overboard in the interest of science. FitzRoy, an avid naturalist
himself, continued to press the obstinate Darwin to help with research.
On more than one occasion the Captain would have to drag the besotted Darwin from his bunk and force him to
collect fossil and animal remains at gunpoint. Darwin, drunk on rum, would stagger across the beach sands with
his bucket, murmuring incessantly about the unfairness of life and how he was "going to get them all."
In between Darwin's rants and complaining, FitzRoy managed to extrude enough relevant information from the
drunk to compile an impressive collection of notes. Meticulous in nature, the notes provided the basis for
FitzRoy's preposterous theory that perhaps there was some type of "natural selection"
occurring in the very fabric of nature.
Darwin scoffed at this, and stated, "Your ridiculous observations are a reflection of your infantile
thought-process, which is predicated by the arrogance of the worldly, yet uneducated" (or something along these
lines).
The difficulties with Darwin began early on: While in Tierra Del Fuego,
Fitzroy received reports from the crew that a few valuable items from the ship were missing. The Captain performed
his own investigation and soon discovered that the entire ship had been stripped bare, including the sails, masts
and rigging.
The first thought was that local Fuegian thugs had helped themselves to everything not nailed down. It was later
learned that Darwin had held a public auction on the deck of the ship and sold off everything in order to
collect money to pay outstanding gambling debts.
Upon arrival in the Galapagos, Darwin at first
refused to disembark, insisting that the rocky surface irritated his corns and that the plants were all very stinky.
FitzRoy pleaded with him, stating that this was a marvelous opportunity to research flora and fauna found nowhere
else on Earth and would help tremendously in substantiating his developing theory, which he referred to as
"Evolution."
A deal was negotiated, whereas Darwin was paid fifty pounds sterling and two bottles of port, and he then came
ashore. Two hours later Darwin re-boarded the ship, telling FitzRoy that there "wasn't much of interest here.
Might as well get going."
The Captain ignored his advice and spent several days conducting his own study of the unique plants and animals
of Galapagos. Returning to the ship, the excited man slipped on the wet deck, hit his head and died three hours
later.
On his deathbed, he handed Darwin the notebook and requested that the naturalist make sure all the accumulated
information get into the right hands. Darwin assured the dying Captain that his years of research would not go to
waste.
Currently, the H.M.S. Beagle is headed back to its home port, the mission apparently finished. We have received
word that Darwin has been in contact with London publishing house Ackermann & Co, who are very excited to sign
a deal with the scientist for exclusive rights to his notebook.
DODO BIRDS NOT EXTINCT!
January 6, 1880
A male and female pair of Dodo Birds has been
discovered nesting on the beach of the island of Mauritius. It had been
thought that Raphus cucullatus (the Dodo) had been exterminated, the last one
reportedly killed in 1681.
This gave rise to the notion that humans have the capability of completely eradicating a species from the face
of the Earth if they so choose. With this realization, colonists hustled into the woods, shooting everything in
sight in hopes of obtaining the bragging rights to having killed the last of something.
The traveling party that found the Dodos quickly dispatched them with rifle shots to the head. A local London
taxidermist was given the birds for mounting and they were ostentatiously delivered to
Queen Victoria as a special gift.
Insiders say that she was very pleased and had them moved to the "stuffed junk" room of the palace.
READER COMMENTS:
The Myth of Evolution
Far be it from me to say that I'm smarter than Charles
Darwin...but I'm smarter than Charles Darwin. As a God fearing Southern gentleman, I take offense to the
idea that I, or any of my kinfolk, have ancestors that swung from their tails in trees, practiced public
auto-eroticism or threw their own feces at strangers.
It says right in the Good Book that the Earth is only six thousand years old. How in tarnashin does he reckon
we went from an ape to a human in that time? I was debating this with an idiot at the local saloon, who said to
me, "You say the Earth is six thousand years old. Wouldn't the Earth be six thousand years old at the time of
Jesus? If that's the case, wouldn't it now be seven thousand eight hundred and eighty years old?"
At that point I smashed him in the face with a whiskey bottle in the name of Jesus for his blasphemy.
Man was created in the image of God hisself from the get-go, with all the rights and privileges that goes along
with such an honor. Now, some folks around here call me a hypocrite, talking about the fact that I owned slaves
who worked my plantation and that I have no respect for my fellow human beings. As the war is over, that's neither
here nor there.
The point is is that Charles Darwin has no right to throw a burr in the saddle of society, upsetting folks
with his nonsense. Things been going mighty fine up til this point, so why go turn over the applecart?
I'll tell you who evolved from apes...Charles Darwin, that's who. At least that's what I'd say if I believed
in evolution. And that's my two cents from where I sit.
~ Nicholas Lafayette
ANCIENT PICKLED BRAIN DISCOVERED IN ENGLAND
Curators of the British Museum were startled
to find a cardboard box containing a human pickled brain near the front door early this morning with a note
attached that stated, "Thought you might enjoy this. Cheers."
Their first inclination was to toss the disgusting thing, thinking it was perhaps nothing more than the brain
of your common Irishman. Upon closer inspection, they discovered that the brain was actually quite old, belonging
to a thirty year old man from the early Iron Age and officially dated at about two thousand seven hundred years
in age.
The brain came encased in the original skull, which displayed evidence on the vertebrae that the head's owner
was first hung and then decapitated. As grisly and gross as this find is, it does represent the oldest, best
preserved human brain to date.
We have a smelly British bog to thank for this incredible find: The brain managed to remain intact due to
the anoxic environments it was submerged in all this time.
As far as who killed this man, a spokesman for Scotland Yard says the evidence
is all circumstantial, but they will leave it open in their cold case files for a bit.
~ RJ Wattenhofer
